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Stepping Out of Line

Naeema Ginwala '04

And I am up.

I don’t think I can completely blame the jetlag, because, well frankly, my mind has been racing at unprecedented speeds ever since I set my eyes on the new york city skyline and with this much brain activity (not to mention my pounding heart) who could possibly achieve a true dream state. I cannot believe I am sitting in my room, in my house, in New Jersey. It’s raining outside. Not because it is the rainy season, but because here it rains when the clouds become full. The peace and quiet is almost noise to me after five months of India’s soundtrack of blaring horns, disgruntled animals, and shouting people. I wonder if it were raining as such in India if I would even be able to hear it.

I just came across pictures of my former life: the pre-august, pre-orientation, pre-Indicorps, pre-India life. It all seems to distant and foreign (ironically) that I am questioning if it were ever real; the people, the mindsets, the relationships. I just don’t know these people anymore; not how I believed I once did. More accurately, however, I believe that these people may find that they do not know me anymore. That is only fair seeing as I barely recognize myself when I look in the mirror.

I retired (temporarily) the nike sports watch for my favorite maroon Kenneth Cole creation. I was disappointed at first because it appeared that the watch batteries had died. And then I remembered stopping the watch before I left as to preserve the battery life; just before I took this insane journey to India, I literally stopped time in America. Five minutes ago I restarted this same time and now I am staring down the edges of two hands that only knew me and my time as it once was. It is as though one’s place, their physical and mental location, dictate their time as much as the actual seconds and minutes do. So it is as though life in America stood still for the five months that I went off hiking mountains, learning languages, riding buses, and finding a capacity in myself that I had previously doubted existed. And then with all this new perspective and experience—that is like Pee Wee Herman’s secret word for the year—I am suppose to move with this previous life and try to explain to inquiring minds what I have learned.

Up until now, life has chronologically built one year upon the next: high school to college, college to job, but job to random-inexplicable-year-doing-development-work-in-a-place-I-call-“the homeland”, that does not follow the line. So instead, it is like I am currently standing outside of this lifeline and watching it progress without me. At some given point I’ll hop back on this destined course and resume my position in the world of right angles, round circles, and perfect squares. But I suppose this deviation of route will have given me a knowledge that others will see but cannot attain. Like being the birthday girl who found out about the surprise party weeks ago but never said a word. Why spoil everyone else’s fun?

And while my urge is to say I am lost, perhaps, in fact, I am founding the crevices of one of life’s oddest understandings: the notion of living life for life and not for some unidentified, but ominously present, existence of a destination. Prove to myself that I can push boxes, move what is more like worlds than nations, and make reality in any ol’ place I see fit. And in the downtime, live. Stop the watch’s movement. Step out of the line, and let my crooked course be the muse and entertainment for the other who have never looked far enough down the road to realize that said destination moves at the same pace one walks and attempting to reach the goal is like someone searching for the corner in a circular room.

I was once talking to someone, who I suppose I consider wise, about life and specifically love. He was once very much in love with a girl. He asked her why it was that she had chosen him. And as the story goes, she told him that there was a quality about him that made it seem like be just knew something that everyone else did not; something the rest of the world just missed. Now I believe I understand that.

Stepping away from the beaten path lets me see something only distance can reveal. I now know something that others just do not see. That I believe I will hold on to as my secret between life and me. I suppose it is a bit selfish to not want to share this bit of knowledge with the world, but some secrets are like dark chocolate—you cannot possibly do justice to its delectable nature by trying to explain it. One must taste it for his or herself to understand its subtleties.

Did You know?

Indicorps offers a variety of programs and opportunities that encourage leadership and civic engagement. While the fellowship focuses on empowering people willing to do whatever it takes to affect change, we also have local volunteer programs in India, an established internship program, an emerging domestic program, an effort to engage late-careers seniors in development, an online volunteer opportunity site, and more....

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The next fellowship applications are available for fellowship classes starting August 2008 and January 2009. To apply, click here.

Inspiration

If you have come to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.

- Lila Watson